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Rescuing others, losing yourself.
Are you a white knight? Are you attracted to needy, damaged, or helpless people? Do you feel like your love can heal your partner? Are you overly involved in your partner's problems? Are you hungry for constant reassurance in relationships? Do you make excuses for your partner? Do you try to "save" people from themselves?
In legends and fairytales, the white knight rescues the damsel in distress, falls in love, and saves the day. Real-life white knights are men and women who enter into romantic relationships with damaged and vulnerable partners, hoping that love will transform their partner's behavior or life-a relationship pattern that seldom leads to a storybook ending.If this dynamic sounds familiar to you, you may be a white knight; hoping to receive admiration, validation, or love from your partners, but managing only to cheat yourself out of emotionally healthy relationships. It's time to come to your own rescue, and this book can help.
With well-written analysis, engaging insight, and salient case studies, The White Knight Syndrome is a much-needed and well-executed guide to understanding and resolving the white knight syndrome in yourself.
- Sales Rank: #1869192 in Books
- Published on: 2015-12-21
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.02" h x .45" w x 5.98" l, .64 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 214 pages
Review
Lamia and Krieger have hit the nail on the head by identifying a major problem in contemporary relationships-the compulsive need to rescue. Their book,�The White Knight Syndrome, clearly articulates the dynamics of this all-too-common pattern. This book is an outstanding resource and a must-read for every compulsive rescuer, as well as for mental health students and professionals.
-Ronald F. Levant, Ed.D., past president of the American Psychological Association and professor of psychology at Buchtel College of Arts and Sciences at the University of Akron in Akron, OH
From the Publisher
Do you find yourself attracted to people who are helpless, vulnerable, or damaged, or feel like you always end up taking care of your romantic partners? If you fall into this relationship pattern, you're likely a "white knight"-a person who tends to seek out partners who need rescuing. White knights hope to receive admiration, validation, or love from their partners, but ultimately end up cheating themselves out of emotionally healthy relationships.
Ready to come to your own rescue? The White Knight Syndrome will help you:
- Discover why you attract or seek out needy or damaged partners
- Find out what type of white knight you are
- Recognize the unhealthy ways you try to meet your partner's needs while ignoring your own
- Channel your energies into building balanced, healthy relationships
-Ronald F. Levant, Ed.D., past president of the American Psychological Association and professor of psychology at Buchtel College of Arts and Sciences at the University of Akron in Akron, OH
"This book is aimed at anyone who recognizes that the white knight syndrome may explain feelings of betrayal, anger, or guilt. Because the book does such a good job with explaining the complex emotional lives of rescuers, it can be a great resource for therapists as well as clients."
-Michael J. Garanzini, S.J., Ph.D., president of Loyola University in Chicago, IL, and author of Child-Centered Schools and The Attachment Cycle
"The authors of The White Knight Syndrome are experienced and insightful clinicians. Building on their extensive professional work as psychotherapists, they have delivered a compelling, concise, and highly useful delineation of a repetitive but maladaptive pattern of needing to compulsively rescue others. Moreover, they show how to move forward in life to an adaptive pattern they call a balanced rescuer: a person who cares, preserves intimacy, and also develops even more self-esteem. I enthusiastically recommend this outstanding book."
-Mardi Horowitz, MD, president of the San Francisco Center for Psychoanalysis, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of A Course in Happiness
"The White Knight Syndrome is unique among psychology books because it is so well-written. The case descriptions are engaging, and the 'Thinking About It' sections brilliantly incorporate the reader's experience into the dialogue so that the material presented becomes personally relevant. The White Knight Syndrome is a great piece of work."
-Sylvia Boorstein, Ph.D., psychotherapist and founding teacher and Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, CA, author of It's Easier Than You Think and Happiness Is an Inside Job
About the Author
Mary C. Lamia, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst in private practice in Marin County, CA. She is also a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA.
Marilyn J. Krieger, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Marin County, CA.
Most helpful customer reviews
31 of 31 people found the following review helpful.
Good Descriptions But Lacking in the Help Department
By bunnyrabbit4
Most people who buy this book will resonate with the title and will already know what is in at least one of the first nine chapters. Each tells a story about a different subtype of knight. They discuss their relationships and their childhoods, which are in many ways similar. The childhood descriptions are useful as they show that White Knights are basically raised to respond the way they do. One glaring omission in these stories is the White Knight who always ends up alone. He gets no attention since the book is about the WK in relationships.
While this book is high on case histories and explanations, it is seriously lacking in the HELP department. Chapter ten is the only chapter that directly addresses what can be done to stop these patterns and like the inserts at the end of each chapter, it basically talks about awareness rather than therapies. The idea seems to be that if you are made aware of what you are doing and stop it, that fixes everything. Does it? What sticks out here amid lots of mention of how the brain is trained to reward certain behaviors, is that just stopping the behavior will not somehow direct the person toward good relationships. If you buy the brain training idea, then this person's brain makes him feel good when he devotes himself to others, not when he engages in normal interactions designed to build intimacy without all the WK drama.
The few action oriented suggestions that are provided aren't great. For instance, the author says you can avoid relying on your partner for praise by finishing tasks and finding support in your work environment. This makes little sense as most of the people in the book did just fine at work. That didn't stop the White Knight behavior because praise at work does not translate to feeling valued by a loved one. It would have been much better to use the Rescue section to take apart what happens when a WK engages a person in a relationship and provide specific intervention strategies the person could actually use at every stage of the "game."
THE SHORT OF IT: This book is a good overview of the topic, but the Rescue part is long on description and short on real help. If you think you are a White Knight and know you had a problem childhood, start by reading William Swann's book Resilient Identities and the read some of Bruce Perry's work on abused children, such as "The Boy who was Raised as a Dog". The White Knight Syndrome is not just some habit, it is also about the relating techniques and resultant "brain chemical payoffs" some people were never allowed to develop as a child. Research found in other books suggests that training your brain to avoid what you now want can take years of work. Many people who are tempted to pick up this book are already weary of that struggle.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
a way to help yourself
By enthusiastic reader
Reading this book allowed me to understand something I had noticed in my life, but was reluctant to change for fear I would be a less 'good' person. When I realized why I was taking this path, I understood how I could make helping a cholce and not a given. The book is well written and anyone---on or just near the White Knight's horse--- can relate to it. I recommend it highly to all those who would like to help others AND themselves.
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Very impressed
By Marleen Roggow
I found this book to be very insightful and I experienced many "a-ha" moments as I read it. It is well-written; professional and yet accessible to the lay-person. I recommend it for anyone who is looking to understand her/himself better or wants to understand the "white knights" we all have in our lives.
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